I went down like the belgrano!

Well, I have just done an unusual gig!
It was a naval reunion at a hotel in Stockton, It was agreed that I would do my set up before everyone started to eat, I was running just a little late due to a very difficult get in, but the guests (about 150 of them) were still arriving and getting seated.
I put a piece of music on to test the P.A. was working and a horrible man at the nearest table shouted at me "Turn that off we are eating!" well, job done, the P.A. was working fine so I duly turned the music off!
All I needed now was a quick mic check to make sure that I was not going to feed back, It was a simple set up as the room was long and straight, so I pretty much knew what my settings would need to be, just a quick "one, two, one, two" on the mic was sufficient, but this time the horrible little man screamed at me "I told you to be quiet, we are eating!" (they weren't, people were still arriving and service had not started!), any way job done, no more hassle until show time.
Show time arrives (after coffee) so I play my intro and guess what? Yes, it's the horrible little man again! this time he shouts at me again, "turn that off, I told you we are eating!"
Anyway I just ignore him and get on with the job I am being paid to do, but immediately two women on his table put their hands over their ears, then shortly afterwards horrible man and about eight of the people at his table get up and walk out, this then starts a mass exodus and over half of my audience leave before I have even started the show!
However the ones that did stay said it was one of the funniest things they have ever seen!

Ask the audience to phone a friend!

Well, 18 years in the business and I still haven't seen it all!
A new one for me at the weekend, got to my venue and set up, met the manager who told me they were expecting about 110 people, great I thought!
At 8:30 there are only 18 people in the room, the manager is still insistent that he wants the show to go ahead, so he goes on the microphone and asks the 18 people if they can get on their mobiles and try and get some more people down to the venue! (alas it did not work).
However, much to my surprise, when I asked for volunteers I got 7 people and hypnotised them all, and we had a great show!!! (although not much atmosphere from the ones left in the audience due to lack of numbers in a big room).